Serenade

I’ve always wanted to tell you in the most sincere way how I feel when who we’re talking about is you. I know this can be random but it’s what I have in mind by now. Well, not only by now.

I’m fighting with myself for months, telling me this feeling is sick wrong and how you’re so not for me. Since our first kiss, since that kiss on the balcony, you cross my mind 24/7. I really don’t know why I fell so much for you, I just can’t explain the reason. You’re quiet with me, you’re selfish when it’s conveniet to you, you suck at conversations, you’re misterious,  you’re a liar, in some kind of way you’re arrogant, you’re so closed, you’re always right, you’re a cheater, you’ve played with other guys before, you’ve done such dirty things that I couldn’t imagine. You took me in your house knowing how much I liked you and wanted to spend my day with you but you loved someone else.  How can someone do this?

You play with feelings like a game addict play with cards. And you disappeard so many times.

You’re not a good person, definitely. There’s this quote from skins that I’ve imagined that describes me so well but now I realize it’s perfect to describe you: “Too pretty for your own good, that’s why you destroy everything you touch.” You’re a destroyer, that’s what you are my dear.

On the other side, there’s this thing on you that I don’t know what it is. Something attractive. Something addictive. Something that makes me think about you everyday. And not only think, I miss you every single day since we kissed for the first time. You’ve entered into my life so fast and I’m 100% sure you’re not leaving it. You’ll stay forever. Even if only on my mind.

Maybe it’s your voice, “I could get lost in a voice like yours”, or maybe it’s your mouth, your smile, i don’t know you have the most beautiful mouth ever. Your laugh. Maybe it’s your cheeks, they beg me to squeeze them. Maybe it’s your hair, oh God how I love to mess your hair. You got that empty look, that sad eyes, searching for something that you don’t know. And then, you’re shy. You’re shy, but strong. It’s so bad what you have to handle at home every day (this is not pity ok, it’s care). You’re so smart, you always have the answer but you often say “i don’t know”. You’re brave. You’re funny. You’re the type of person that you want to be friends with. You like to party, you drink and you smoke: and basically who drinks and smokes has my trust. You have my trust even breaking my heart so many times and I cannot explain how you still have it. You’re passionate and cold at the same time, you love and you hate, you pretend to be someone who you’re not and I see you how anyone can see. There’s something about you, something so deep that you hide. You have something locked in your soul that, damn, how badly I wanna figure out. I’m pretty sure you hide many things.  And I like that. You’re ironic, sarcastic, intelligent (you can’t imagine how many things I’ve learned from you), romantic on your own way, you’re naughty and I know your way, you like sex, you like to live. You love to live intensely. You know what is right and what is wrong, but you constantly make wrong decisions. But this is the life.

You have the power to attract someone as you snap your finger, but you also push people away as you blink your eyes. You’re so full of defects.. but you’re human.

You know, a part of me says you’re not worth it and I must to forget you. A part of me says this feeling won’t go away no matter what I do. It’s like some voice says in my head that there must have a reason for what I feel, there must have a reason for this feeling never go away. The point is I care about you so much despite all the sadness you brought to me. And another point is that I know you have a past, but we all have it, I try to not think about your past. I think about moments. Every single minute we’re next to each other, breathing the same air, holding hands, kissing, touching, talking, laughing, smoking, drinking, it was special. All the small things we’ve done like eating pizza at night, hugging goodbye, singing on a cab, playing “i never” with friends, all the memories I have makes me want to take the first flight and abandon all my life to be with you again.
I’m sorry, I know I decided to stay more, but this is for my own good.

I pretend that I don’t love you anymore, that I don’t like you anymore, that I don’t want you anymore but I do this for pride. I don’t ever want you to see me as someone who’s obssessed and desperate for love, needy, vulnerable and weak. All the funny tweets and sarcastic texts are just to hide my frustraction that I feel but I don’t want you (and anybody else) to see. I’m sorry if I don’t look after you anymore but what’s the point of saying what comes from my heart every second if you do not feel the same? I mean, you don’t need me at night when you’re warm in your bed. And if you do, you don’t tell. I guess I’ll never know why you left and became so cold because trust me, you were totally different when I met you. Maybe it’s me. The moment you saw me how I am, when you realized you knew me well, that unique moment when you suddenly knew who I am, all the enchantment you used to have for me were gone. And this is because I’m not worth it. I know I can be paranoid a lil bit, insecure and empty, but this is who I am sometimes, I’m multifaceted.

I am so sorry that this was passing for you. It was not momentary for me and here I am. I’ve never cried so much in my life, never felt so alone and sad, depressed, but I’ve never been so happy though. I’ve never felt so complete and so me and this is thanks to you. When I’m there with you I can be myself, I don’t think before I say, and that’s why I told you that night “I love you”, because I was feeling it. You know I’m all about feelings. You know me pretty well.

I’m writing this “letter” for hours and I don’t know if I’m doing it right. In fact, I don’t know why I’m doing this, we’re so distant and not single and you’re not thinking about me at all, I know, but I’m thinking about you everyday. It might sound stalkey but I check your life on social networks like everyday, but this is just to check how are you doing ‘cause I’m not strong enough to say “hi” with no reason. I always want to text you but I decide to not. Ok now this is too girlie, I think I’m gonna stop.

I just want you to know that you’re bad. You’re bad but I like you. I don’t know why I’m being so fool and why I still like you so much but the truth is I do and everything I’ve been doing to forget you, it’s not working at all, and I’m afraid it’ll never work doesn’t matter what I do. This feeling can hurt but it won’t go away and it must, oh boy, it must have a reason to this feeling don’t go away. I just need more time to figure it out. And I will. And maybe someday we get together again, maybe not, but please remember: I have you in a place inside my heart and I’ll never let you go out of there.